Identity, Parenting, The Momming Journey, The Personal Journey

Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?

It’s been about 3 weeks since my last post and there is a very good reason for it.  In the last 3 weeks, I have been struck with just about every bit of bad luck a parent can experience.  Week 1:  I got sick.  Any mom knows that being sick and having young children just doesn’t mix well at all.  I really can’t remember what I had or how I got it.  All I know is that a scratchy throat turned into some kind of virus that made me lose my voice for a few days… and all before a long awaited date night with my husband that we haven’t had since Maya was born… before Maya was born.  All I needed was to get sick before seeing my first comedy show.  Luckily that illness didn’t last.  However, there was something much more fun in store for me… I thought maybe the moon was acting crazy or there was something in the water but all the kids started giving me a run for my money.  Every. Single. One. Of. Them!!!!  Whether it was not wanting to make the bed because “my arms/legs hurt” or insisting on putting on a hoodie in 80 degree weather but then not being able to manipulate the damn thing and then waiting until we are in the car and I’m driving to inform me of them through the whines and the tears.  How I love to greet the day hearing whines and crying and stomping of the feet.  Nothing makes me more relax then going outside of my house only to hear the screaming continue.  What my neighbors must think!  I guess I should be grateful that no one has called CPS on me yet.  And the baby…. shes truly amazing and I love her so much but oh man, is she ever clingy… and at the worst possible times, usually when I’m driving and can’t get to her or when her siblings are having one of their daily tantrums or when I just need a minute to eat or go to the bathroom. Baby wearing is awesome and I love it but you are not supposed to do it all…. day… long!!! And to make matters more exciting, I get to be told all the time how lucky I am to be home with them.  And well at least you have a husband…. and he’s not deployed.  And look at how blessed you are to have children, healthy children.  And at least you have a car so you can get where you need to go.  You should really not be afraid to ask for help. This is making you so much stronger!  And blah blah blah blah blah.  To be honest, yes most people don’t know what to say when you vent or let them really know how your day is going/was.  And they may really be trying to help you feel better.  But honestly sometimes it can be the worst thing to hear.  Having a hard time in the moment and really needing to complain or vent about it doesn’t mean you are ungrateful about the blessings in your life.  And I’m so afraid of asking anyone to watch my kids because of how they behave.  I know how hard it’s been for me… I don’t want to transfer those problems to anyone else.  Everything worth having is worth working for and does require alot of work at that.  I just feel sometimes that I can’t get a break and in the rare case that I do have a good day (minimal protesting, whining, screaming) I can always be sure that there will be a plethora of bad days to complement it.  And really do I need to be that strong?? It sometimes seems inevitable that I am destined to struggle with these children for the rest of my days and although that seems really really dramatic, it is how I feel most days.  And although it is said that I must be going through this for a reason, that I’m being prepared for something important, I sometimes wish that I could get a few days rest from this “prep.”  And so, the dates nights cease to exist, the weekend away that I promised myself before coming to Hawaii has yet to happen and my days have become a cookie cutter routine of coming and going that by the time I get a chance to sit down for a bit, my day is over!   I’ve heard mixed stories of how it gets better or how it might even get a bit more difficult.  All I know is that I’ve spent more time contemplating on what I might be doing or what I can do to make things a little better for myself and for my family.  It is truly challenging to raise children in an age where everything is so child-centered.  I’m finding myself reevaluating how I was raised and to trying to find the things that worked when I was a kid to what is acceptable now and it is hard!  Consequences seem to be of no importance to my kids.  When I was little I hated to disappoint my parents.  And I hated confrontation… two things that are still true for me now.  And yet, my kids will continue to try to do things their way even when the results are not good for them.  It boggles my mind!  It’s in times like these when I will admit that I do play with thought that “what if I had decided to just go home after graduation and get my masters right away?”  “What if I had waited to get married and focused on my career first?”  GASP  how dare I, right?  I really shouldn’t entertain those thoughts right?  Well, I really don’t know, it is really hard NOT to.  And I know that after writing this post, that I am blessed…. it’s just really really really hard to see, right now.

1 thought on “Is there a light at the end of this tunnel?”

  1. I can relate with you in a lot of ways. I don’t have but one so I can just imagine how you must feel with three kiddies. I discovered that with all the stresses of being a mom it is important to make time for myself. I know you say that you can’t find child care. But just going out when the kids are at school and finding someone just to watch the baby for you for 2 hours can give you some mental relief. As mothers, we are so hard on ourselves for wanting time to our self, but it is imperative. In order for me to be there for my son, I have to take a time out.


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