In the years since my Dad passed, I have experienced more disappointment and frustration than I have during my childhood and teenage years. The answer to why this was happening was quite simple: I was now an adult. I had to put away childish things and start “adulting” as they say. I found it odd that I couldn’t just work really hard for something with a determined spirit and poof it was there. I was actually going to experience disappointment for the first time and be on my own in handling it. My friends, this feat I have still yet to master. As I stand in the infancy of my 3rd decade on this Earth, I find myself struggling to handle these various setbacks and come to terms with the sacrifices that I have made. I am struggling to trust God… to believe that He will grant me the wishes of my heart and I really don’t know why. I know that there’s a reason why things happen and you have to sometimes be broken to be fixed whole again. But emotionally I cannot accept that. I get mad at God sometimes, pleading with Him to fix my life. To allow me to find purpose within myself. To make things better. I ask Him to take the pain away. But it seems that as much as I pray and ask, there’s always something that challenges my faith. As if He is testing me more and more. And so, at this delicate time in my life, when I am being called to do so much and being asked to be so much for so many, I must figure out how I can learn to trust Him and believe that he will make a better way for me. I must learn to get past these disappointments and frustrations. The question is how. How can I change my mindset and to make my expectations more realistic? How can I learn to make better choices? How can I stop being so hard on myself? How can I just let things be? How can I just be still?
Growing up female, you are expected to be everything and there is pressure to find success outside of the home while still holding it down as a family woman. There are so many songs about being independent this and successful that and I don’t need a man this and I own my own this that and the third. Having gone to college and earned both my bachelors and masters, it feels like I’ve failed in some weird way. Like I’ve let all those down who looked to me to be a leader during my school years. I hate the sacrifices that I’ve made and I resent them. I hate that I couldn’t do it all and I couldn’t be everything I planned and hoped to be.
I decided to start watching church. I really hadn’t found a church I liked in Hawaii and since hearing all the wonderful things about my mom’s church and their new pastor, I figured I would give the live streaming a try. Technology today is so awesome in that way. I am able to watch my mom’s church service from almost across the world. Anyway, the pastor there finished a series on “Trusting in Trouble” this past Sunday morning. In this final message, I related the troubles that we go through to an eyewall of a major storm or hurricane. He said that we should remain in the eye of the storm, despite the eyewall which contains the worst of the storm. We have to trust that where we are isn’t where we are necessarily meant to stay. And that through faith, we can endure just about anything. His message struck me in such a major way. However, as it was time to apply it to my daily life, I fell apart as usual. And I realized, I do not like getting my way, just like my kids don’t like getting theirs. I don’t do disappointments and setbacks. And my attitude is like “I definitely don’t deserve this. I’m not a bad person.”
It is time, my friends, for me to get off my high horse and stop acting as if I’m as deserving or more deserving than others. And this is possibly what the Lord is trying to get through to me. That disappointments are bound to happen, regardless of how good you think you are. It is time for me to truly put away those childish attitudes and unrealistic expectations that I have for myself and do my best to live in the now. I need to learn to change my mindset and be still… because God was God in the beginning of this mess, He’s God during my mess, and He will still be God after my mess. I just need to wait on Him to make the next call.
Outnumbered 